I haven't had the time to continue with music due to homework. Once I am a teacher I won't get time for music. I am torn about it all the time as I know I am giving up something that I love so that I can gain full time employment and respect from family. It's like, continue working crappy jobs if I can get them as I have been knocked back so many times by employers and just be a full time poor artist or give that away, finish my degree so I can have financial stability.
She sat away from her usual spot during today's lecture and then left early which she never does. I feel like she is leaving early to avoid me and her walking to the train station to get home at the same time. It's making me feel terrible that I might be making her feel that way. I have two tutotials with her tomorrow, one of which we need to sit together at a table to work on our assignment.
I doubt she'll ever want to be friends with me. I am so down and anxiety ridden that someone thinks I am a creep when I am not. I meant no harm.
My mistake was not to think how she could see that link, I saw her as finding it a laugh not as me finding out where she lives.
I haven't played guitar all semester at uni, been too busy. Sad thing about uni it means no time for my passion. Most older people struggled financially and had difficulty getting work. That's life. But it gets better. I was stupid for even considering it. She's going to be 19 soon and me It wouldn't work.
I always seek out those above 23, this was an exception. I let my despair and desperation at finding someone special get in the way of my judgement. I had doubts before asking her out but felt she might like me following me to the station to catch up with me, messaging me first, laughing at me when I wasn't trying to be funny and thought I should be open minded and give it a shot.
I only thought I'd give it a shot because both my sisters married much older men. My sister was 19 when she met her husband who was 27 at the time. I guess it was a different generation back 20 years ago, girls were much more mature for their age. My name is Paul and have been following your thread. I see that you have some excellent advice from very kind and caring people on the forums.
You have had a rough time I do understand where you are coming from. Like Tony WK has mentioned My daughter has also met a crackerjack guy through internet dating. She is like you No Worries at all Its a rocky road I saw your name pop up, and I thought I remember having engaging discussions with you on the topic of "small talk". I don't have any advice though. But I just wanted to say hello anyway. Hi Shelley, Hope you're doing okay?
Yeah I haven't been on much due to uni, busy with homework. MisterM - you don't have to give up your music. I agree you study is important but you need to take the time for enjoyment of hobbies. Time management will be important for full time work so you might as well practice now to keep doing the things that keep you sane for me it was writing and playing original music.
Sometimes you need to cut some negatives and time wasters out of your life to fit other things in like study and constructive hobbies and personal development for you working on your dating game. Eg : Less internet more guitar. I know what's it's like to be under family influence too - but unfortunately as long as your living with them they will continue to have a greater influence on your actions.
Only when you move out will you be truly free to unfold your wings. I wouldn't bother getting stuck in the whole "going to wait until I have a house deposit until I move out" thing - unless your parents are able to give the deposit to you. Get out and rent, it will be good for you. Yes you're 32 but there's nothing wrong with a late bloomer - at all. I have a mortgage, have tenants in the property. I can't afford to live there yet. It's not just my parents whose opinions I am concerned about, my sisters and their husbands look at me funny when I talk about my music ambitions, like I am dreaming and silly and they have even told me I should focus on paying off the mortgage.
My parents never have showed interest in my music when I play guitar in my room. They don't know I have a number of song demos recorded and don't know I have performed live at open mics. I keep it secret from them.
Who cares what they think? The thing is - negative people tend to try and bring you down to their negative level. Hence why you need to work hard towards breaking free and getting out of your parents house. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing your day job to support your dreams - i. So get your study done, don't procrastinate, and move forward. And whatever you do don't pout about some stupid 19yr old girl.
If you don't have time to read a short self help book - download Some of Robert Glover's podcasts on "testing for interest" and not being attached to outcome, i. If they're not interested don't get upset just move on You have a lot of real talent.
You have done some demo tracks and performed live? And doing uni? I admire your talents a great deal. Apollo has excellent advice I just read above. Very important to avoid overly critical or negative people Some of us find it hard to move on as Apollo suggests and means well.
This is because in your case emotions which are: embarrassment, misjudgement, desire etc over ride all other things. You regret this action because in your mind you failed. Was your judgement inaccurate, Answer, likely. Girls that are friends and want to remain just friends portray the same outward appearance as if they were interested in you as a bf. So it is totally excusable for you to pursue her.
In terms of a suggestion by Apollo to move out of your parents home Your music is your passion. My ex partner and I had issues. I'd stay up till 2am making model aircraft.
She'd explode in anger. We saw a counsellor. The counsellor asked her "so do you have a passion"? She didn't, and those without a passion don't understand those with one. Siblings and less than positive parents won't encourage you. You need to take the next step and pursue your love of music without worrying about their thoughts. Again, not easy for a worrier but keep trying. I think it's important not to get hung up on perceived failure though Tony - it's a totally normal reaction to feel rejection.
However I think it's also something that can be overcome - and even practiced. That's why I suggested the podcasts. If Mr M is busy studying he can download them and listen to them on the train. You can practice on men and women - all you are doing is testing to see what level of interest they have in you and this can be done quite quickly. The important thing is to not react badly if there is no interest. Just recognise it for what it is and move on - Robert Glover explains it very well that's why I'm pressing him to research it - because acting adversely to "rejection" ultimately perpetuates a negative feedback loop and paves the way to behaviours such as passive aggressiveness.
Also the reason I said what I said about the 19 year old - is that perhaps their reaction is a little less mature and considerate than an older woman's might have been, hence another reason why I wouldn't worry about it.
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Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia. Cancel The title field is required! Hey all, This girl from university that is in two of my classes sent me a stern message on Facebook on Friday telling me that I am creeping her out after I sent her a YouTube link of a video of her suburb via messenger.
Hi again MisterM Sometimes we don't know why people act the way they do. Whatever her reason for her behaviour its her problem not yours. Google: Topic: so what are their mental illnesses,beyondblue Tony WK. I feel like she does not believe me and I reckon she did overreact. Apollo Black. So what are you going to do? Not sure. Keep trying I guess. What else can I do. Internet dating has come a long way.
My daughter us getting married in She met a truly amazing guy on the net. Tony WK. Keep trying what? Sorry MrM. I don't want you to take what I said the wrong way - I just feel for you that you appear to be spinning your wheels in the mud. Sometimes you need to push the boundaries and face the fears. I've had a read of some of your posts - you like music. You write and play music. You should keep this up, definitely.
Hi Tony, I have never felt comfortable about trying internet dating. Hi Apollo Black, Replying to your second post Hi Lynda, She sat away from her usual spot during today's lecture and then left early which she never does.
I like Pipsy's idea. Smile, be your normal nice self, she could one day like you enough to see a future in you. Until then time is your best healer. Motivation from lectures maybe at uni would help.
Hi Tony, I was stupid for even considering it. Hi MisterM My name is Paul and have been following your thread. Kind Thoughts Paul. Thank you Paul. In general, the creepy characteristics tapped into three core factors: They make us fearful or anxious; creepiness is seen as part of the personality of the individual rather than just their behavior; and we think they may have a sexual interest in us.
We make our judgements about trustworthiness within 39 milliseconds of seeing a face. One of my favorite, albeit tiny, studies on whether we can accurately judge a person by their face comes from a paper from Stephen Porter and colleagues at Dalhousie University, Canada. Participants were asked to rate 34 photos of adult male faces on trustworthiness, kindness and aggressiveness.
The trustworthy people in the photos had either received the Nobel Peace Prize or the Order of Canada for their devotion to humanity, peace and society. Maybe we need to organize a Nobel Laureate reality TV show. When it comes to creepiness, one important feature was attractiveness — in one study, attractive people were deemed to be trustworthy, whether they were Nobel Laureates or criminals.
They correctly identified 49 percent of the wanted criminals as untrustworthy. However, they were slightly better with the Nobel Laureates, rating them as trustworthy 63 percent of the time. The authors concluded that to make their judgements, people were looking for signs of kindness or aggressiveness in the faces of those they were evaluating. Tying together the original creepiness study and the Nobel Laureate study, a paper found — again — that creepy people were generally thought to be lanky men with poor hygiene who behaved awkwardly.
The Canadian researchers also tested 15 photos from the Nobel Laureate study to learn about trustworthiness. One important feature is attractiveness — attractive people were deemed to be trustworthy, be they Nobel Laureates or criminals.
According to other studies, people who are perceived as unattractive are, on the whole, less likely to get good jobs and get reasonable healthcare. In a study I did in with my colleagues at the University of British Columbia , we found that unattractive and untrustworthy-looking people were convicted of crimes by mock jurors with less evidence and they were less likely to be exonerated after evidence that proved their innocence.
Yet we know that humans have long abused people who look different. Why does this happen? Well, there is the basic evolutionary argument that deformities and asymmetry can be signs of genetic disease and weakness. We are naturally averse to disease — an aversion to which we partly owe our survival — so we gravitate to those who look fertile and healthy and we shy away from those who might infect us.
Even though creepiness is the result of a system that is trying to keep us safe, it is poorly calibrated. If we perceive a face where nothing stands out, we take it all in at once. We perceive it as a whole. As human. But as soon as something captures our attention by being abnormal, we start to deconstruct the face — and then we deconstruct the person.
We see the deformity, the irregularly-spaced eyes, the funny nose, the acne, and we stop seeing the face as a human whole. We misidentify Nobel Laureates as notorious offenders. We think that people are creepy because they deviate from the norm in looks, mental health, behavior and interests. So, how can we combat this? Be aware that this can happen, and stop and think if our first reaction to someone is that they are creepy.
Then go ahead and chat with that person who has a neck tattoo. Hire the woman with acne. And educate kids not to stare at the person with a facial deformity. Watch her TEDxLondon talk on how memory science can fight harassment:. Julia Shaw is a senior lecturer in criminology and psychology at University College London.
She is also a regular contributor to Scientific American. Science What makes a person creepy? And what purpose do our creep detectors serve?
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